Thursday, February 27, 2014

Écorchée vive

Tormented soul. If she
allowed me to talk. She
cannot hear. It hurts, true?
She loved me so fast.
And a big disorder. Ugh!
I was afraid. Almost.

She was frightened.
I saw it in her face.
Her eyes closing.
I saw it. Frightened.

But what a joy in her pain.
Her smile. In her sadness.
Nobody never. Not that way.
She couldn't stand it. No.
In pain. Deep pain. Deep.
Happy. Deep happiness.

Later she run away.
She knew. Everything.
I knew too. Didn't I?

I am not courageous.
I feared rejection.
She would not understand.
I did did shut shut my mouth.

Later thought about it.
Nonsense. I did pity her.
How can people? Never mind.

No contempt though.
I can forgive, it's easy.

Let me be your father
and your brother and
your lover. No? You
wouldn't need anyone
else. Never more.

I didn't say it. Did not think
it. Way of talking.

Oh, the family.
Nostalgia. Regrets.

Love as pure as cold water.
In the lake, in the mountain.

I understand too easily many things.

I sympathize with those who do not love me.
Sometimes, not always.

I never use all of my power, oh no.
I don't need to. What for?

I cared about her.
She refused to be cared of.
She thinks that I do not exist.
She thinks that je suis un autre.
She thinks that I am a liar.

I kept my mouth shut. Shhhhs!
She could accuse me of harassing her.

Crazy country. People go nuts.
She hates dramas. I believe her.

I was not allowed to talk.
Like a child I was supposed to behave.
Behave how? You crazy you insane.

I understand many things.

Who knows what would happen to me?

Her voice when she writes is quite
aggressive sometimes. Threatening.
Yet love was there. Unmistakable.
Pain, a lot of pain. I saw it. Saw it.

Why? Why? Why?
Apparently at least.

I swallowed my words and thoughts.
Still I cared about her. So much.
She was so sad. So pure too.

She is a treasure. She is, I swear.

She is a product of America.
It's not her fault, true? Destiny.
Can we chose? Her soul belongs
to the devil. The devil is everywhere.
Disguised. The rule of law. Masks.
The community. Good people though.

She thinks so many things.

She does not ask. She knows.
She could have scared me.

It’s not her fault.
It's not mine either.

I am worried. Shouldn't but am.

A wasted opportunity. Sad sad.
How stupid. Lost forever. See you
in Paradise later. Yes? I will then
explain better. You will regret.

No, not in Hell.
Hell is here already.

J. E. Soice